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03 November 2007 @ 03:08 pm
One Piece Crack Fic: The World's Greatest Swordswoman  
Title: The World's Greatest Swordswoman
Rating: PG13 for language
Pairing: None.
Warning: Crackity crack crack.

Remember I mentioned I had a couple of silly OP fics in the works? This is number one. It's a new twist on an oooold venerated OP classic. Enjoy! In moderation, though, because this is bound to kill a few braincells with Ze Crack.

The World's Greatest Swordswoman

"We need to catch us a big fish. Some high-priced head that will get us into the big league bounty hunting," said Bender, staring moodily into his beer.

His gang acquiesced, all four of them. Bender hadn't expected them to say 'no'; they weren't part of his gang for their ability to think for themselves. Bender was the one with the smarts and the Devil Fruit ability. His four underlings were there to provide muscle and to say 'Yeah' from time to time. Also to carry stuff, such as provisions, weapons, Bender's victims, and Bender's money once he'd turned in, sold, ransomed or otherwise profited from said victims.

"But boss, where we gonna find a guy with a big bounty?" said Igor, the smartest of the four minions (meaning that he might, with a bit of help, outthink a sea cucumber).

"Well, not in this crummy dead-end bar," Bender snapped, and found himself shoved nose-first into his beer stein when the swinging door behind him opened with a bit more force than expected.

"Sorry," somebody behind him muttered, trudging towards the bar. "Hey, you over there. Can I have a jug of sake and a good set of directions to the harbour? I'm lost."

"The harbour?" said the barkeep stupidly. The harbour was two blocks away. The bar was called The Sailor's Rest, and one could lob the counter's fossilized pretzels out the window and bean a seagull.

"Bender," said Igor. "Want me to go hurt that idiot?"

"No," said Bender with what he thought was remarkable calm as he wiped beer off his chin.

"No? Why not? He made you spill your booze."

"Because we are going to do our usual number on him, drag him into the nearest Marine outpost and collect 120 million Berry bounty," said Bender, still quite calmly though something in his head had started to rattle and pulse. Possibly the little abacus on which he kept a running estimate of his bank account. "Don't you dunces even read the Wanted posters we drag around? Never mind," Bender added, as he remembered that Igor was the only one who could read, as long as there weren't more than one syllable ganging up on him.

"Who's the guy then?"

"He's Roronoa Zoro, and he's our ticket to the big league. Get ready."

Roronoa looked indifferently over his shoulder at the four bruisers surrounding him, and then returned his attention once more to the barkeep, only to find that the potbellied old man had dropped the glass he was cleaning and ducked behind his counter with the instinct for trouble of his profession. In fact, the entire bar had emptied with alacrity. Bender had a very evil reputation. This was a tough town, a tough tavern, a tough island full of desperate, hard-bitten men, but they were all of the opinion that what Bender did to his victims with that Devil Fruit power of his was just wrong. Cutthroat bounty hunters everywhere, the ones who'd turn in their own mothers for cigarette money, would console themselves in their cups that at least they didn't do to people what that bastard Bender did to them.

"If you fellas can't lead me to the harbour, then leave me the hell alone," Roronoa growled as he turned towards the gang.

Bender didn't bother with warnings or fair fights. As soon as he was the requisite ten feet away, he struck. The beam of his Switch Switch Fruit power darted out, invisible but for a faint whisper and warping of the bar's muggy air. Zoro looked at the incoming wave but made no attempt to dodge it; either he did not recognize the danger, or he'd decided to find out what it was and then beat it up. A fatal mistake. The pulse of power hit him, and the disorientation that came with it made him stagger back against the counter with a grunt, a couple of swords singing as they cleared their scabbards, but too late. Bender and his gang smirked. Igor wolf-whistled.

And that's where 'the usual number' went very wrong.

For starters, the zap didn't knock Roronoa out; it just made him shake his head and growl. Loudly.

Then he looked down at himself, and he didn't wig out.

Igor wolf-whistled again, just in case Roronoa had missed it the first time. But Bender started to frown. There was no way a man like Roronoa would not notice that he'd just lost a couple of inches of height, a dozen pounds, and above all, that he'd swapped his family jewels for a couple of bumps down the front of his shirt. Or, to be technical now, her shirt. And there was no way that this wouldn't freak him or anybody out.

But all Roronoa did was squint down at his chest, then lift his right arm and stare at the smaller, somewhat more delicate hand holding the white-hilted sword steady, and say, "Huh. How about that."

The victims didn't always black out from the impact of sudden, dramatic changes to their body composition. And some didn't become hysterical or catatonic with shock, and reacted violently instead; that's where Bender's four boys came in handy. They didn't share Bender's growing sense of alarm, they just whipped out their cudgels and attacked. Soon their victim would be subdued and begging for help, and would let himself be led quietly to the Marines to be turned in and changed back rather than stay as a girl in the middle of a rough town full of sailors, bounty hunters and pirates. That was how these things usually went.

In Bender's opinion, the worst thing about what happened next was not the thunks, or the blood, or the broken teeth flying, or the cut-off screams. It was the way Roronoa's face - softer, sweeter, with a little more silk to the green curls framing it - was studiously intent as he systematically destroyed his opponents.

"Not bad," Bender heard the demon mutter to himself once the earth-shattering tremors had died and the last standing bar stool had fallen over with a clang. "Missing a couple of inches. That Dragon Twister was on the edge of sloppy. The hole in the roof isn't as big as it should be. Lower center of gravity, gotta compensate for that." Then he turned towards Bender.

Bender drew his sword. It shook in his grasp; usually the underlings took care of the rough stuff.

Roronoa was ten feet away. He made what looked like a lazy sweeping motion with one of his own weapons, and a blast of focused, hurricane wind hit Bender's blade and ripped it from his hands. It sank to the hilt in the opposite wall. Zoro's eyes - with longer lashes but still short enough to lend a boyish charm - narrowed with satisfaction.

Bender staggered away from that slow, threatening advance until something hard poked him in the kidneys; he'd backed up into the dusty slot machine which the bar's previous owner had thought would lend the joint a touch of class. The feeling of being trapped kicked Bender into more constructive action. He swapped himself into his own female version in a flash and hit a quavering falsetto just as fast. "Please! You wouldn't hit a girl, right?"

Roronoa stopped, but only for the time it took to twist his - now soft and rosy - lips into a sneer. "Fuck that. If I'd been a certain blond pervert I know, that'd have worked, but even at the best of times-"

Damn! Bender threw down his trump at the approaching menace. "Don't come near me! Get this! My transformations don't wear off! Unless I reverse it, it'll never go away and they'll bury you in a bra! Understand?!"

"Really?" the green-haired harridan asked, taking another step, now within sword's reach. "Is that a fact?"

"Yes!" Bender lied at the top of his lungs, pushing back fruitlessly against the unyielding metal and chrome. "So you better- better give me all your money, and then I'll turn you back and we can call it quits! Otherwise, you're stuck as a woman for the rest of your life. What do you say?"

Roronoa Zoro lifted his sword, stared right at Bender with a funny ol' gleam in those demon eyes, and said: "Thanks."

The rest was a roar of noise, the crazy broken bloing of a slot machine ringing up two cherries and a lemon one last time, and darkness.

Zoro rounded the corner of the harbour master's home, more by chance than design, and finally spotted the Sunny. Luffy was hanging from the masthead, gaze sweeping from the town to the horizon and back again in an agitated manner.

"Zoro!" Luffy gave him a happy grin, looked out at sea...swung his head about to give his first mate a slightly longer look centered on the latter's new bust line, then back up at Zoro's face as he waved excitedly. "Hurry up! Nami says the log pose will set here if we wait too long, and then we won't be able to sail to Merman Island because we'll be set on another course. Hey, do you know your clothes are too big?"

"Yeah, I'll have to change."

"Do it on board. Let's go!"

Unfortunately, the rest of his nakama didn't take it quite so in stride...

"You mean you shredded the only guy who could reverse this?" Nami groaned, loudly enough to be heard over the sounds of Sanji thumping his head against the mainmast.


"He's dead?!"

"I dunno. How much blood can a guy lose if he's a girl at the time?"

Nami clutched her head. Behind her, Sanji emitted a tortured whimper with 'swaaan' in there somewhere as he clung desperately to the mast. Franky and Usopp's eyes were glued in disbelief to the shapely mounds beneath Zoro's much looser shirt - still a lot of muscle under there, but also a lot of very soft curves. Chopper was waving a syringe and asking for blood samples and measurements. Luffy was picking his nose, waiting for his crew to get over it and set sail.

"But Zoro, how could you be so stupid?! Especially after he said it wouldn't dissipate on its own? What are you going to do now?"



"Ngggg- dumbass-...marimo-...mellorine! Arg!!" Thud thud thud-

"Yeah." Zoro drew Wadou and examined his stance with fierce attention. "I've lost some of my reach and core strength, but my speed has improved. I'll catch up on the rest with the proper training."

"You mean you're okay to stay like that?" Nami asked weakly. "But...why would you...want..."

"M'not saying I wanted this, but hey, now that it's happened, what the hell. It's not going to stop me. Hell, it's not even gonna slow me down. Breasts never stopped anybody from fighting and I'll prove it. You'll see. I'm going to be the greatest swordsman and the greatest swordswoman in existence," said Zoro with a gleam in his eyes which even his nakama who loved him had to admit bordered on the deranged. He also seemed to be addressing the white-hilted sword rather than his friends.

In the silence that followed, Sanji's hollow groan sounded very loud.

"What's with stupid?" Zoro grunted, sliding Wadou back into its scabbard and tilting his chin in Sanji's direction.

Robin spoke up for the first time since Zoro had come aboard in his altered state. "I believe Cook-san is suffering from confused signals."

"Oh?" said Zoro without comprehension, then, "Oh. Oooo-oh, you better tell that freaking pervert that if he tries to fawn over me, I will mince him. He hits on me, I hit right back"

"Like I'd do that, you- you- you piece of cross-dressing seaweed!"

"Oy, love-cook, watch your mouth. These are real!" exclaimed Zoro, jabbing two thumbs at the objects in question.

"ARGH!" Thud "JustZoro-" Thud "JuststupidZoro" Thud "JuststupidmarimoshitheadZoro- chwan! Urg- make it stop, makeitstooooop..."

"Robin?" Nami appealed to the last bastion of sanity aboard. "You know a lot about Devil Fruit. Is this effect really going to last?"

"It's very doubtful. Most Devil Fruit effects of this kind fade if not maintained. Swordsman-san will unfortunately not remain female for very long."

Nami looked at Sanji, who was alternating between giving Zoro horrified ogles and attempting to concuss himself; to Chopper, who was running after Zoro with a thermometer and an order to go lie down in the infirmary; to Franky and Usopp whose jaws had hit the deck as Zoro took up his usual post near his weights and whipped his shirt off (in the background, Sanji fainted dead away); to Luffy who was on the figurehead, eyes gleefully fixed on an horizon full of adventure instead of the utter insanity on board. Nami rubbed her ear.

"Unfortunately? Robin, I'm sorry, but did you just say unfortunately?"

"Ah, I suppose swordsman-san's condition will present a few...interesting situations in the coming weeks, but he seems so set on this; surprisingly so considering how most men would react to this. It makes me wonder...why?"

"Well, you do that," said Nami, with a stiff shake of her head. "I'll go do what I do best, which is steer this ship and keep myself sane. Oh, Zoro, come with me and I'll introduce you to the wonderful world of support."

"Support? What kind of-"

"Just come along, idiot. And for God's sake put on a shirt!"

"Very interesting situations," murmured Robin and smiled gently at the horizon.


CP9 Omake (because I can't help myself, I'm a CP9 addict)

The portside town was quiet at this hour of the afternoon; the roaring noise was all in Kaku's head. He was backed up near the hotel room door, leaning against the wall in an attempt to look relaxed and probably failing miserably.

"Are you sure - I mean, are you absolutely certain that bounty hunter wasn't lying, Lucci? When he said the effects would only last a month? He did hit you with this- this-...Even if it was by accident, the piece of scum might have been afraid of the consequences and lied about the duration of the effect."

Kaku's partner continued to examine himself in the mirror over the hotel's cheap dresser. That long, clinical scrutiny would have been disturbing enough even if he had kept his shirt and jacket on. Kaku's gaze seemed to be tethered to the sight, shying violently away only to be unwillingly hauled back again.

"People are not prone to lying to me," said Lucci - and goddamn, even his voice had changed; it sounded like velvet would, if velvet could issue death threats.

"Right. Um-"

In front of the mirror, Lucci lifted his hands and, with an expression of concentration, placed them on his breasts. Kaku closed his eyes, took a deep breath and tried to remember what sanity looked like. It certainly didn't look like his suddenly-female partner doing that.

CP9 agents were trained to harness all their emotions, to see the world through the scope of a killer, so Kaku opened his eyes again, refusing to let himself be disturbed by all this.

Lucci had his hands on his/her belt and was undoing the buckle with that same intent expression. Kaku closed his eyes again and decided to make a run for it.

"If you're leaving," said Lucci, and the cutting amusement in his voice told Kaku that he'd fooled nobody with his attempt at poise, "stop by Kalifa's room and get me a dress."

Kaku was silent for a few seconds as he tried to make sense of that, then as he tried desperately not make sense of that. "...You want to wear one of Kalifa's dresses?"


"Lucci, you're not that much, ah, smaller than before." And now with long legs and a statuesque figure to kill for, added a small portion of Kaku's brain, which he instantly assassinated and buried in a dark area of his psyche where it would remained undiscovered until the next nightmare.

"I'd say I'm about two inches less."

"...Kalifa's shorter than you are now, without her heels."


Kaku's gaze was doing its little dance again, bouncing on and off of Lucci's curved hips. "Her dresses tend to be pretty damn short on her."

"So?" Lucci repeated. "Just go and get one. Get her too, while you're at it; I have questions of a practical nature for her."

Kaku finally managed to tear his gaze off of Lucci's body and meet the latter's eyes in the mirror, only to realize that was more dangerous than staring at any set of curves. There was leashed violence there, a good deal more emotion than Lucci's calm demeanour betrayed. The dark eyes flickered away briefly, then Lucci added in something that boiled down to an admission: "This is a highly unpleasant experience. I must have lost at least five hundred Douriki in the process, and my balance is shot. But I might as well get some first-hand information out of this bitch of a situation. You never know when a skill or piece of knowledge can come in handy for an infiltration."

"Right. Of course. Yeah, I can see where that would come in handy, to er-" Kaku fished around for an example of where this could come in handy.

Lucci's lips, sensuous and full, curved into a thoroughly nasty smile, and Kaku knew that someone was going to suffer for all this. "I think Kalifa and I will go out together later; that's bound to be interesting," Lucci said musingly. "Do you want to come?"

"Escort a couple of good-looking girls in very short dresses through a town full of sailors on shore leave? Oh, I insist," said Kaku, knowing that it was already too late, his sense of reality would never be the same, so might as well go to the end of the madness and get it over with. "If nothing else, someone will be needed for riot control. I'll go get you your dress."

Really the end now.

(The nightmare continues! The Thing spawned a mini-ficlet here)

book_peoplebook_people on November 3rd, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC)
*dies* *revives and rereads* *dies again*

Zoro and Sanji and Luffy and holy shit, the omake! *can't stop laughing, seriously*

"Escort a couple of good-looking girls in very short dresses through a town full of sailors on shore leave? Oh, I insist," said Kaku, knowing that it was already too late, his sense of reality would never be the same, so might as well go to the end of the madness and get it over with. "If nothing else, someone will be needed for riot control. I'll go get you your dress."

Poor Kaku. He lives in such a brain-bendy world...

Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 5th, 2007 05:09 am (UTC)
I do seem to torture Kaku a lot, don't I...I usually do that to my favorite characters :P Glad you liked it!
a turing-compliant robot: Zoro: it's simplelily22 on November 3rd, 2007 09:53 pm (UTC)
Hee! Cracktastic with an underlying hint of Serious, the best kind. Sanji was so adorable and I love your details, your description of how close the bar was to the harbor, the slot machine.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 5th, 2007 05:09 am (UTC)
Thanks! The slot machine seems to have a few fans ^_^
scribe_protra: books are love from Albascribe_protra on November 3rd, 2007 10:02 pm (UTC)
This is awesome and I adore you so much right now.

Book icon for youuuuu!
scribe_protrascribe_protra on November 3rd, 2007 10:24 pm (UTC)
And also, now I'm wondering how femme!Zoro and Tashigi would act next time they meet.
(no subject) - scribe_protra on November 4th, 2007 01:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - maldoror_gw on November 5th, 2007 05:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
Asuka Kureruaskerian on November 3rd, 2007 10:10 pm (UTC)
... Ohh Zoro. ♥ He really wouldn't care, would he. And now you've got me wanting to check FFnet to see if anyone's written a serious(ish) long fic about it. Hrrm.

(... AHAHAHA omg lucci. I wonder how Kalifa's going to react... XD)
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 5th, 2007 05:14 am (UTC)
I know I've read a couple of fics with this theme (and it's always poor Zoro who cops it, for some reason) but I can't remember what they are. Definitely on LJ, though, and not on FFnet. God only knows what you'd find in the pit of voles, but it'd probably give us all nightmares.

Kalifa is going to spend ten minutes chewing this over, trying to find out HOW this could be sexual harassment, before deciding that Lucci is now One Of Us, and must be protected against said sexual harrassment, and that's where a lot of sailors are going to suffer.
(no subject) - askerian on November 5th, 2007 05:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
Tora Kittysheasa on November 3rd, 2007 10:10 pm (UTC)
O.O Holy crap. I pissed myself laughing!
"Urg- make it stop, makeitstooooop..."
That line made my snort. I never snort. You rock.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 5th, 2007 05:14 am (UTC)
Whoohoooo, I got a snort! ^___^ Glad you liked it!
kireickireic on November 3rd, 2007 10:19 pm (UTC)
lol! Great job. Does seem about how Zoro would react, too - strangely optimistic.

Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 7th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
Thanks ^_^ Yeah, Zoro doesn't let anything get in the way of his dream. In this instance, there's the added desire to prove that Kuina really could have been the greatest if she'd lived, as well.
loreleilorelei76 on November 3rd, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
Mal. MAL. I love you. I really really really truly deeply love you so damn much. This crack is so awesome that I might need to go to rehab to recover.

Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 7th, 2007 04:03 pm (UTC)
Lol, thanks ^__^ I should really be in trouble with teh law for peddling this.
onikotsuonikotsu on November 3rd, 2007 11:00 pm (UTC)
I do beleive my brain just melted onto the floor out my nose. If you ever write more of this I will praise as godess of all things crack and will be so happy that even Lucci will back away in fear of it! I do believe I've just joined Kaku's reality shot club.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 11th, 2007 12:28 am (UTC)
Yeah, welcome to the club ^__^ But Kaku's the President; he actually has to put up with this for one whole month. Glad you liked it! Here's a sponge for those brains...
(no subject) - onikotsu on November 11th, 2007 12:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Salmon Pinksalmon_pink on November 3rd, 2007 11:29 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahahoh it hurts make it stop. Ah, any cross-gender OP fics are made a hundred times better by Sanji's reaction, and you, of course, didn't disappoint, and then there was Lucci and, oh, iz ded tiem nao?
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 11th, 2007 12:29 am (UTC)
Sanji can always be counted on to fly off the handle in these circumstances (and really, who could blame him?) Glad you liked it!
Leonerunic_binary on November 3rd, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
I...I...I keep trying to formulate a proper and coherent response to all this, except that there is none. My brain is liquid and I am laughing in a cross between sheer, awesome hilarity and abject horror, and...just...agh.

Oh god, Zoro, I love you. XD

(Also? That description of Lucci kind of...like...broke a vital part of my psyche, and now I know exactly how Sanji feels when in full-out mellorine mode. Because...guh. You should write more of this. XD I will write you stuff in exchange if you do but it would not be as entertaining as this is, I'm sure, because it doesn't really get more entertaining than this.)
Leonerunic_binary on November 4th, 2007 12:01 am (UTC)
ALSO. Something just occurred to me.

Jyabura is going to find out about Lucci being a girl.

He's going to die for several different reasons, and then he's going to write to Marco about it.

And Marco? Will be SO JEALOUS.

I just had to share that.
(no subject) - hinas_otaku on November 4th, 2007 02:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - maldoror_gw on November 4th, 2007 06:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - runic_binary on November 4th, 2007 06:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - maldoror_gw on November 4th, 2007 11:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - runic_binary on November 5th, 2007 12:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hinas_otaku on November 5th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - maldoror_gw on November 6th, 2007 05:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - runic_binary on November 6th, 2007 06:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - runic_binary on November 9th, 2007 05:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
incandescensincandescens on November 3rd, 2007 11:40 pm (UTC)
Absolutely and totally classic. Especially the omake.
Elizabeth McCoy: Seraph Snickerarchangelbeth on November 4th, 2007 03:30 am (UTC)
*howls with glee*

And then you showed it to me. *cackle*

(no subject) - maldoror_gw on November 11th, 2007 12:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
always with the Dick jokes: Kaku: oh FUCK yeah.irrelevant on November 4th, 2007 12:00 am (UTC)
Oh damn. KAKU, I LOVE YOU.

And Zoro. Somewhere Kuina is smiiiiiiiiling.

And good christ, Lucci. Lucci and Kalifa vs. Sailors, and I can almost hear Kaku in the background moaning, "This will all end in tears."

Thank you for the CP9 fix. I so needed that. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just be over here in this corner laughing my butt off.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 11th, 2007 12:30 am (UTC)
Poor Kaku, I really put that boy through a lot of grief. But hell, we love it, don't we ^___^ Everyone except those sailors, or what's left of them.
inornate on November 4th, 2007 12:02 am (UTC)
*I'm dead and in heaven*
Thank you!
Poor Kaku... He might have hormonal crisis right now...
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 11th, 2007 12:31 am (UTC)
I thikn he'll just go straight to the total meltdown and save time ^^; Poor guy...
(no subject) - inornate on November 11th, 2007 12:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
jaded old fox: claptoshirodragon on November 4th, 2007 12:21 am (UTC)
Hey, do you know your clothes are too big?"

"Yeah, I'll have to change."

"Do it on board. Let's go!"

Unfortunately, the rest of his nakama didn't take it quite so in stride...


Sanji had better stock up on the headache meds until that wears off!

*haven't got to C9 yet so passed on reading that one...for now*
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 11th, 2007 12:32 am (UTC)
Sanji is cruising towards a serious nervous breakdown. Oh well, it'll only last a month :P
Tephra: fangirl squeetephralynn on November 4th, 2007 12:22 am (UTC)
Now I really want to see some good fanart of girl!Zoro that has him, er, her, looking all boyish and still buff from sword training.

*looks up the list of comments and thinks reeeeeallllly hard at Asuka*
Maldorormaldoror_gw on November 11th, 2007 12:32 am (UTC)
Look through the various comments to this post, there are a total of THREE *makes excited squee* artists who did superb girl!Zoros, and one who did a girl!Lucci that will melt your diodes.
(no subject) - tephralynn on November 11th, 2007 01:54 am (UTC) (Expand)