Warning: Discussion of NC17 stuff (well, duh). Pure humour of the giving-Kankuro-a-bad-time variety, without any attempt at plot or character development happening.
Gaara's eyes were on the door which had closed behind Lee, but he turned around when Kankuro slung his pack and puppet scrolls to the ground with a thump of sheer annoyance.
The Sand Jounin rubbed his chin and looked at his brother. Just say it, he decided. The kid’s old enough. Just treat it like anatomy.
"So, bro, I bet you have some questions." I know I do, Kankuro mentally added. But they would have to wait until he could say 'You and Lee' without hyperventilating. He wanted to walk out of the room right now and try to forget the whole thing, but Temari would catch up with him and skin him for skipping out on The Talk. Besides, as Gaara's older, more experienced male relative, it was probably Kankuro's duty. So Talk there would be. A very, very quick one. Clinical, clear-cut-
"Temari thinks you need details. So here it is. You see, when two people - two guys - sometimes it's two guys - ....like each other a lot, and start kissing like that, they feel like, hah, getting closer-..."
Kankuro stopped as he realized he was addressing Gaara of the Desert like a six-year old who'd just asked where babies come from. Though Gaara's homicidal tendencies were under control these days, that didn't mean he had any more patience than before for fools or babbling idiots, and from the frown on his face, Kankuro was skirting one or the other.
"I like kissing."
Gaara said it in a ruminative tone of voice, which did nothing to cushion the shock of having him admit something like that.
“Okay,” Kankuro said, after clearing his throat.
“So does Lee. Though I don't know why. Contact between two mouths - germs, saliva, food particles - is not something people should enjoy when you think about it.”
Kankuro hadn’t thought about it. He hoped to god he wouldn’t think about it next time he tried to kiss a girl.
“You get used to it,” he said, with a lofty assurance he in no way felt. “But you see, after awhile, people-...guys, you know, like Lee…expect...something more than just kissing.”
Kankuro reflected on that sentence and realized, to his regret, that he was going to have to kill Rock Lee for having such designs on Kankuro’s innoc- inexperienced little brother.
"Do you mean sex?" Gaara asked suspiciously.
No, on reflection, he was going to have to kill Temari, then himself.
"Yeah. That. You’ve heard about it..."
"My controllers gave me a brief speech about sex when I was eight."
"What did they say?" Kankuro asked with great reluctance.
"Just the bare basics. It was quite insufficient. They never mentioned fellatio, for instance."
Kankuro’s ears splintered. The cracks spread across all of his head, which then imploded. Or at least that’s what would have happened in the real world, but he'd apparently left that behind; he must have taken a wrong turn on that exit to Suna.
"You know about that?" Somebody - who almost sounded like Kankuro, or at least Kankuro after he’d had a really bad day - asked slowly.
"I do now. But it was a surprise when Lee did it to me the first time, which is why some prior information would have been useful."
There was a mental image Kankuro did not want.
"I don't know why people do that; it's even less appealing than kissing. At least saliva is more or less neutral to taste; semen is not. Yet when I did it, I found the act strangely exciting and I'm not sure why," Gaara said thoughtfully.
Actually, that first image was most welcome, and Kankuro desperately wished it would come back.
"You guys went a bit fast," he mumbled, and wondered what some of his past one-night stands would have to say about that comment.
A look of guilt and embarrassment failed to cross his little brother's composed features and unwavering gaze. "That’s what Lee thought too, but I didn’t see why we should wait. I did ask him to tell me more about sex after that first time; those details my caretakers had assumed I would never need to know. I didn’t want too many more surprises."
Kankuro realized that Lee must have been fielding these questions on a regular basis for the last two weeks, and his admiration for the Leaf Jounin went through the roof.
"Um. Okay. Well, hey, you’re young. Apparently. So I guess you got curious and decided to experiment." Kankuro wondered how come his mouth was still moving when his brain was non-functional. He shook his head sharply and scrubbed his hair and tried not to think of his little brother going down on Rock Lee and giving him head. He concentrated on the fact that he was now on the last stretch, and he would soon be done with this and then he could go somewhere quiet and bash his brains against a wall.
"Did Lee...happen to mention anything else?" he asked with tremendous lack of enthusiasm.
Gaara looked at him stolidly, waiting for a bit more information than that before he answered. I can’t believe I’m even contemplating the possibility of having this conversation with my Kazekage, Kankuro thought, staring at the carpet.
"Um. You see...ah...are you absolutely sure you’re gay?"
Gaara's eyes had strayed back towards the door and he spoke absently. "Lee wondered as well. We never did determine it. I do like having sex with Lee, and he’s a man."
"That qualifies," Kankuro croaked. "Um, you see, at some point, one day, you guys might want to go further and..." Kankuro made hand motions at waist height that were so vague even he could not have guessed what he was trying to say, and he thought he knew.
Gaara stared at the gestures, his attention torn away from the door.
"We've already used our hands," he said.
"Ng. No. I meant..."
"Anal sex?" Gaara guessed, looking more closely.
Kankuro froze like a rabbit.
Gaara was staring at his brother’s hands, puzzled. "That’s not how you do it, you know."
"...Huh?" Kankuro whimpered.
"Or is that another position?" For the first time since this conversation began, Gaara looked at him intently and with a question apparently on his mind. "Do you know of any? Lee wanted to see my face when he took me, which was reasonable, and I know you can do it on hands and knees, but I wondered if there are other ways that might be less awkward to-"
Then Gaara interrupted himself and went to fetch his brother a glass of water from the carafe on the sideboard.
Kankuro gratefully drank it down, wishing it was something a good deal stronger, then he put down the glass, coughed one last time, shouldered his pack with a determined air, and said: "Okay, talk’s done. Let’s go find Temari before she does something to Lee that your Sand Barrier somehow missed, and she can handle it from here on out."
Gaara followed him without a word, for which Kankuro found himself eternally grateful.