Log in

19 February 2006 @ 08:46 am
DR crack  
As I mentioned when I posted my side story yesterday, here's that little skit for my LJ readers ^___^ Thanks for all the reviews you guys have left me over the chapters, they really make my day.

Warning: Discussion of NC17 stuff (well, duh). Pure humour of the giving-Kankuro-a-bad-time variety, without any attempt at plot or character development happening.

Gaara's eyes were on the door which had closed behind Lee, but he turned around when Kankuro slung his pack and puppet scrolls to the ground with a thump of sheer annoyance.

The Sand Jounin rubbed his chin and looked at his brother. Just say it, he decided. The kid’s old enough. Just treat it like anatomy.

"So, bro, I bet you have some questions." I know I do, Kankuro mentally added. But they would have to wait until he could say 'You and Lee' without hyperventilating. He wanted to walk out of the room right now and try to forget the whole thing, but Temari would catch up with him and skin him for skipping out on The Talk. Besides, as Gaara's older, more experienced male relative, it was probably Kankuro's duty. So Talk there would be. A very, very quick one. Clinical, clear-cut-

"Temari thinks you need details. So here it is. You see, when two people - two guys - sometimes it's two guys - ....like each other a lot, and start kissing like that, they feel like, hah, getting closer-..."

Kankuro stopped as he realized he was addressing Gaara of the Desert like a six-year old who'd just asked where babies come from. Though Gaara's homicidal tendencies were under control these days, that didn't mean he had any more patience than before for fools or babbling idiots, and from the frown on his face, Kankuro was skirting one or the other.

"I like kissing."

Gaara said it in a ruminative tone of voice, which did nothing to cushion the shock of having him admit something like that.

“Okay,” Kankuro said, after clearing his throat.

“So does Lee. Though I don't know why. Contact between two mouths - germs, saliva, food particles - is not something people should enjoy when you think about it.”

Kankuro hadn’t thought about it. He hoped to god he wouldn’t think about it next time he tried to kiss a girl.

“You get used to it,” he said, with a lofty assurance he in no way felt. “But you see, after awhile, people-...guys, you know, like Lee…expect...something more than just kissing.”

Kankuro reflected on that sentence and realized, to his regret, that he was going to have to kill Rock Lee for having such designs on Kankuro’s innoc- inexperienced little brother.

"Do you mean sex?" Gaara asked suspiciously.

No, on reflection, he was going to have to kill Temari, then himself.

"Yeah. That. You’ve heard about it..."

"My controllers gave me a brief speech about sex when I was eight."


"What did they say?" Kankuro asked with great reluctance.

"Just the bare basics. It was quite insufficient. They never mentioned fellatio, for instance."

Kankuro’s ears splintered. The cracks spread across all of his head, which then imploded. Or at least that’s what would have happened in the real world, but he'd apparently left that behind; he must have taken a wrong turn on that exit to Suna.

"You know about that?" Somebody - who almost sounded like Kankuro, or at least Kankuro after he’d had a really bad day - asked slowly.

"I do now. But it was a surprise when Lee did it to me the first time, which is why some prior information would have been useful."

There was a mental image Kankuro did not want.

"I don't know why people do that; it's even less appealing than kissing. At least saliva is more or less neutral to taste; semen is not. Yet when I did it, I found the act strangely exciting and I'm not sure why," Gaara said thoughtfully.

Actually, that first image was most welcome, and Kankuro desperately wished it would come back.

"You guys went a bit fast," he mumbled, and wondered what some of his past one-night stands would have to say about that comment.

A look of guilt and embarrassment failed to cross his little brother's composed features and unwavering gaze. "That’s what Lee thought too, but I didn’t see why we should wait. I did ask him to tell me more about sex after that first time; those details my caretakers had assumed I would never need to know. I didn’t want too many more surprises."

Kankuro realized that Lee must have been fielding these questions on a regular basis for the last two weeks, and his admiration for the Leaf Jounin went through the roof.

"Um. Okay. Well, hey, you’re young. Apparently. So I guess you got curious and decided to experiment." Kankuro wondered how come his mouth was still moving when his brain was non-functional. He shook his head sharply and scrubbed his hair and tried not to think of his little brother going down on Rock Lee and giving him head. He concentrated on the fact that he was now on the last stretch, and he would soon be done with this and then he could go somewhere quiet and bash his brains against a wall.

"Did Lee...happen to mention anything else?" he asked with tremendous lack of enthusiasm.

Gaara looked at him stolidly, waiting for a bit more information than that before he answered. I can’t believe I’m even contemplating the possibility of having this conversation with my Kazekage, Kankuro thought, staring at the carpet.

"Um. You see...ah...are you absolutely sure you’re gay?"

Gaara's eyes had strayed back towards the door and he spoke absently. "Lee wondered as well. We never did determine it. I do like having sex with Lee, and he’s a man."

"That qualifies," Kankuro croaked. "Um, you see, at some point, one day, you guys might want to go further and..." Kankuro made hand motions at waist height that were so vague even he could not have guessed what he was trying to say, and he thought he knew.

Gaara stared at the gestures, his attention torn away from the door.

"We've already used our hands," he said.

"Ng. No. I meant..."

"Anal sex?" Gaara guessed, looking more closely.

Kankuro froze like a rabbit.

Gaara was staring at his brother’s hands, puzzled. "That’s not how you do it, you know."

"...Huh?" Kankuro whimpered.

"Or is that another position?" For the first time since this conversation began, Gaara looked at him intently and with a question apparently on his mind. "Do you know of any? Lee wanted to see my face when he took me, which was reasonable, and I know you can do it on hands and knees, but I wondered if there are other ways that might be less awkward to-"

Then Gaara interrupted himself and went to fetch his brother a glass of water from the carafe on the sideboard.

Kankuro gratefully drank it down, wishing it was something a good deal stronger, then he put down the glass, coughed one last time, shouldered his pack with a determined air, and said: "Okay, talk’s done. Let’s go find Temari before she does something to Lee that your Sand Barrier somehow missed, and she can handle it from here on out."

Gaara followed him without a word, for which Kankuro found himself eternally grateful.

End crack

turtlepie (or something)kaneko_chan on February 19th, 2006 04:08 pm (UTC)

OMG. I've got to stop checking for updates and actually work... but my god. You're... amazing. A-maze-ing. I love your work so much.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:52 pm (UTC)
Lol, thanks ^_^ This was fun to write, I'll tell you. *Puts on Hero gear and flies away*
Korofelkorofel on February 19th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
What a wonderful beginning to the day. XD Poor Kankuro.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:52 pm (UTC)
What's worse is that now Gaara has it in mind that his big brother might answer these questions for him, he might ask some again in the future *evil smile*
(no subject) - korofel on February 26th, 2006 07:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
niwatorimegami: violent birthniwatorimegami on February 19th, 2006 05:57 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA~~!! *ded* Oh, poor poor Kankuro!! Somebody give that man a hug, seriously!
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, give the guy a hug! Just not Gaara, please; or Lee; Kankuro might have a heart attack :P
Archeekaarcheeka on February 19th, 2006 06:02 pm (UTC)
Gaara: Sideways.

Lee: Oh god.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 19th, 2006 09:49 pm (UTC)
Sure, friend away ^__^ I love having more readers to torture with cliffangers from hell entertain. And I guess that, after reading this lil' Talk, everybody understands why Kankuro just had to go get drunk afterwards :P
MOrgan Idrilmorgan_idril on February 19th, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
Oh dear Ghod!! I can't quit laughing. Some how I managed to miss the side story,work can do that to you, but I think I am glad I got to read this first. Poor Kankuro, I do feel for you...bwwaaahaaahaaaaaaaaa.

Do we get to hear Temari's version of gay sex?
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)
No, we won't be hearing Temari's version; Gaara's thinking will be along the lines of 'I'm a man, Lee's a man, Kankuro's a man, so if I have questions, I'll ask Kankuro'. Temari is safe. Except when Kankuro decides to pass on the pain ^__^
cyracin25 on February 19th, 2006 07:32 pm (UTC)
*laughing so hard I can barely see* Oh man, that was hilarious!!! Poor Kankuro!!!

And of course, Gaara is a blunt as a cudgel, lmfao! Well done!
Xellos_No_Himitsuyuki_no_kitsune on February 19th, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC)
XD Good lord...poor Kankuro *hugs him and gives him a LARGE bottle of vodka*
I love his reactions and I LOVE Gaaras bluntness...I love you! This is a perfect follow up to the last two chapters...

"A look of guilt and embarrassment failed to cross his little brother's composed features and unwavering gaze."

ah Kankuro....were you REALLY expecting it? XD
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:56 pm (UTC)
*feels loved* Lol, Kankuro should have known better than to expect Gaara to have any modesty whatsoever. Then again, Gaara never asked him any question until now, since Gaara himself thought he was pretty much asexual (thank god Lee changed his mind ^_^) So all this caught poor Kankuro a bit short...
Michelleleviathandragon on February 19th, 2006 08:26 pm (UTC)
You are the BEST! And so good to your fans too. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

"That’s not how you do it, you know."

...I nearly died right then. Thank you so much to treating us to the Talk!
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
You're welcome ^_^ My fans are good to me too! And it did seem a pity to have the Talk only briefly mentioned, when it could result in such a wonderful chance to torture Kankuro to make people laugh.
锴 angry fishtrap 狗: gay barkaigou on February 19th, 2006 08:41 pm (UTC)
I am totally dhed of the funny. OMFG.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
Le grin ^__^
cirquenayacirquenaya on February 19th, 2006 09:04 pm (UTC)
Omg. That was brilliant. I think I sort of love your Kankuro. But nowhere near as much as I adore these stories.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 04:59 pm (UTC)
Aww, come on, Kankuro deserves love ^___^ Especially after what I just put him through...
baked_panda: gaara_wtfgourdblur_panda on February 19th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
Nrghk. o.0
:throws a shower of sparkling green confetti in ur general direction:

psst! Gaara, just a suggestion- them floating sand should be good for some creative mid-air action! *gets shot*

Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 05:00 pm (UTC)
Wheee! Shiny! *bats at confetti, totally distracted*

Heh? Mid-aid shenanigans? True, true, though sand might be a bit uncomfortable to lie on for poor Lee :P
Leynalisann on February 20th, 2006 12:35 am (UTC)
Aww, poor Kankuro. XD

(And, yeah, I say this everytime I comment on this story buut--) I LOVE YOUR WORK. ^____^ <3 <3
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 05:01 pm (UTC)
Thanks! (Strangely enough, I don't mind hearing that repeated ^_~)

Poor Kankuro indeed.
Crystalline Starslikeredgold on February 20th, 2006 12:44 am (UTC)
Now if only we could all get the Talk from Kankuro xD

Such hilarity! I nearly died laughing. And I shall say this once more: You, dear Mal-san, are a genius! And I love you for it. <3
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 05:03 pm (UTC)
*feels loved* I don't know if I'm a genius though; I'm more like Lee, I have to work at things before I get them :P As for getting the Talk from Kankuro...when you actually look at Kankuro's side of the dialogue, he never got the opportunity to do much Talking ^^;
raccoonofyouthraccoonofyouth on February 20th, 2006 01:30 am (UTC)
Must not pass out mustnotpassoutmustnotpassoutfromhilarityandhyperventilation!!! *passes out with a little flag that states: LOVED IT!! I can't believe I actually have the honor of reading your stories!*
Maldorormaldoror_gw on February 25th, 2006 05:03 pm (UTC)
*waves flag with Thanks! It's my pleasure! on it*
thallos: HnGthallos on February 20th, 2006 02:47 am (UTC)
*delurking a little*
i can't stop laughing, poor Kankuro !
These little side stories are the funniest things : the one about Gaara's guards was very cool too. And i really appreciate a lot the main story, i like the space of their relationship and the characterization, i very like the intervention of Sound too (what for, mmm...) : i'm very waiting for the new movement of Sound ^^.
Thank you.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 03:54 am (UTC)
Ahh, Sound is moving, but far in the background for now. They'll rear their ugly snakey heads up in the final chapter...
The side stories are way more popular than I thought ^_^ To think I almost didn't post the one with the ANBU bodyguards as being a bit weird :P I'm glad I did!
Trivrurounitriv on February 20th, 2006 04:13 am (UTC)
XD Poor Kankuro - bad enough getting stuck giving The Talk to his little brother, but with his little brother being Gaara, that just makes it worse. *adds another large bottle of something strong to the pile*
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 03:55 am (UTC)
Poor guy's heading towards alcohol poisining. Maybe that'll get rid of the memory of what Gaara told him ^___^ I'm pretty evil with poor Kankuro...but as you say, his position as Gaara of the Desert's Big Bro is already pretty disturbing for him.
This feather may look worthless...: chibigaaraleesilverkiiri on February 20th, 2006 04:50 am (UTC)
...Just for that one alone I want to have your impossible little babies. ::giggles some more:: That was amazingly wonderful. ^^
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 03:56 am (UTC)
I've got children in several places on the internet now ^__^ Glad you liked it!
melfinalupinmelfinalupin on February 20th, 2006 04:55 am (UTC)
Gaara is beyond adorable and blunt...makes me want a bang my head againast the wall XD Poor Kankuro indeed. *dies laughing*
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 03:57 am (UTC)
I wanna cuddle your icon...

If you want to bang your head against the wall, imagine how Kankuro feels :P
Asako Michiruasako_michiru on February 20th, 2006 05:15 am (UTC)
AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS! Gaara is just so BLUNT and poor kankuro... He needs rum. *gives him many bottles* LOTS of RUM. XDD the poor guy...
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 03:58 am (UTC)
Kankuro's gonna show up at the Suna clinic with liver failure. And begging for more drugs, preferably the kind that remove chunks of your memory XD
lynnmonsterlynnmonster on February 20th, 2006 06:59 am (UTC)
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 03:59 am (UTC)
*snicker* I aim to please (and to get people to fall out of their chairs or spurt soda on their keyboards, as I am Ebil, and Kankuro can attest to that)
Battle Angel Productionsalita_b_angel on February 20th, 2006 07:12 am (UTC)
Poor Kankuro. He has my awe and sympathy.

I am completely dead from teh funny.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 03:59 am (UTC)
Yeah, I think all in all he didn't take it that badly. I mean, he could have taken it a lot worse- jumped out the window screaming, for example ^_^
angellusion: Sakuraangellusion on February 20th, 2006 07:38 am (UTC)

My friend linked me to this crack fic ^_^ It was awesome though! *faves*
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 04:00 am (UTC)
Glad you liked it ^__^ I don't often write crack, but boy does it relax me to torture my characters amuse people when I do!
Doewiebele: Shakingdoewiebele on February 20th, 2006 08:03 am (UTC)

And I want your humour to be our bridesmaid!

No seriously... DR Crack=cracktastic!

I am so curious how this all will continue.. It will be a happy end right? *whimpers*
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 04:01 am (UTC)
*pets* of course it will have a happy ending. Underneath my cruel and callous exterior and Kankuro-torturing ways, I'm a bit of a sap ;) I always have happy endings.

I need a PDA specially devoted to tracking the people I'm married to and who are having my children. Modern life is so complicated...
beryliaberylia on February 20th, 2006 08:49 am (UTC)
Poor Kankuro, life sure is hard for an older brother...
I love the fact that he says you're going too fast when his relations are one night stands.
Maldorormaldoror_gw on March 2nd, 2006 04:03 am (UTC)
I love the fact that he says you're going too fast when his relations are one night stands

Lol, yeah, one-nighters are fine for Kankuro, but no way is he going to stand for that where his lil' brother is concerned! Unfortunately for Kankuro, his lil' brother is also his boss and Gaara of the Desert...hence a lot of Kankuro's 'I so need a drink' moments :P